The hardest part about infertility or really any major life hurdle, is that you cannot help but ask "why me?!" I ask it. But I know I shouldn't. Because I know damn well there is no answer for that question. I know that a better question is actually, "Why not me?" I don't think life is about deserving or not deserving what you get. I don't really believe in karma either. I have seen some pretty great things happen to some pretty rotten people and some simply awful things happen to some of the best people I know. I think it's honestly more about doing the very best you can with the hand you are dealt in this life, so to speak.
I also believe that there is a purpose for each and every one of us. I believe that we were never meant to live a life of rainbows, lolly pops, and butterflies. I think God gave us free will and intelligence and that he wants us to be resourceful and to use our gifts for the greater good of others as long as we are here. There are no guarantees in life, even if things seem perfect now- we all know how quickly that can change. The faster you can get over the why me? Life isn't fair type-of-thinking, the easier it is to accept this truth and move on. And that's what you have to do, because there are plenty of rainbows, lolly pops, and butterflies out there, but you will absolutely miss them all if your head is too busy being stuck in the rain clouds asking why me.
On December 24th, (yep that's Christmas eve) we found out that our second ivf attempt had failed. Just days before, my husband had fallen down some stairs and torn his patellae tendon. He needed surgery. Perfect timing because we had over-spent on Christmas gifts, paid for this second (failed) round of ivf, and our shower door spontaneously shattered, ya know as they do.....???!
We worried about all these expenses at once, but more than anything... we were sad. I asked "why?" a lot, but my husband was mostly quiet. I knew he wondered too, but he hated making me feel any worse than I already did. I watched him cradling our daughter's new baby doll on Christmas and I could read it all over his face. He wondered why too.
But don't feel sorry for us. This was the best Christmas we've ever had. That may sound odd after hearing about our bad news, but I cannot even begin to express how this news just brings to the forefront that we had all better look around this minute before we miss something; because there is so much to be grateful for- no matter where you are standing in this moment. There is always something.
In this moment, we are grateful for our amazing little angelic gift-of-a-daughter, whose eyes were literally lit up with excitement and joy! She loved opening every gift and marveled at each one. She asked the most wonderful questions like, "Where Santa go?" and she exclaimed with excitement things like, "Happy Bird Day Jesus!" My heart has honestly never experienced joy like this before. I made a conscious decision to just let go and let myself experience that. I didn't want to hold onto that anger or those feelings of, "life isn't fair." How can I even think that?! Look at her.
So here's the thing. It's true. Life. is. not. fair. It most certainly is not. But that doesn't mean you should miss all the good stuff because of it. Stop comparing your situation to others'. The grass is greener where you water it, but even when it's not...because it's not always going to go/grow as you planned... Even when you did put the work in; don't forget to look up because there is no doubt you are missing something good out there.
And for those of you wondering, yes we are done trying ivf. The doctor feels as though I simply cannot carry. I'm still searching for a sense of peace with that thought. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how long it will be until I find it. But I still have faith that our journey is not necessarily over. It's just taking a detour. I'm reminding myself every day to look up, because sometimes I forget.