I’m either the luckiest or unluckiest person I know. I did not have an easy road to motherhood. I fought for 3 years with infertility until I finally was told that I could not carry a child (UNLUCKY). However, I did still have healthy, viable eggs and my sister volunteered to carry my child (LUCKY!!!! ). My husband and I were blessed with our precious and healthy little miracle baby girl (Charlotte Ann, or Charli) in January of 2014. No complications and my sister and I are still as close as ever, if not closer. I’m grateful and feel beyond blessed, but I can’t gloss over the fact that infertility was incredibly difficult, painful, heart breaking, lonely, depressing, I could go on. And on. But you know, it’s funny because so many people out there say, “but it all worked out perfectly, so it’s ok!” And yes it is ok! I’m ok. But I’m definitely scarred by my experience and it kind of never ends. I remember thinking, once I have my baby in my arms, I will forget all the pain and I will be just like. Every. Other. Mother. FINALLY!
But, then I wasn’t. still. I wasn’t. I couldn’t breast feed and complain about my child “latching” or my lack of or excess of milk supply. I wasn’t working on “losing the baby weight” or telling wild stories about my c-section or vaginal birth. And I know, wah wah wah, poor me, I’ve heard it all before, “you didn’t miss much.” But, I still feel inadequate. When I meet a new mom and she asks if I had an easy pregnancy or how did I lose the baby weight? Did I breast feed? It leaves me in an awkward position. Do I just make something up to get it over with? Or tell them the whole truth and make them embarrassed that they even asked?
The inadequacies about what I feel have to do with my inability to carry a child, but also as a wife, I mean, my husband definitely did not ask for this wild journey to parenthood. Thank God for his sense of humor and patience. But once, I really got to thinking… I realized something BIG. Even the moms who birthed multiple children, breast fed more than one simultaneously, and ate their placenta in the form of a milkshake (yes, people do that), feel inadequate sometimes. We ALL do as parents. I’m not alone!
So, as a former middle school teacher for ten years, I made the transition to stay-at-home-mom and let me tell you, it was not all sunshine and butterflies. Don’t get me wrong, there was definitely sunshine and a few butterflies here and there, but it’s the hardest and most wonderful thing I’ve ever done. I wanted to be good at my “new position” as a stay at home mommy but constantly felt like I was falling short. I decided to strive for balance and not to be so hard on myself. I have to let go of the idea of things being perfect because as life has taught me…it is not going to be…like EV-ER. And you’re not in control here. Let’s be real.
I hope you will enjoy my blog and add a little moderation into your own life. Give yourself a break. Be good to yourself and have fun! It’s time to start believing that YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. JUST. AS. YOU. ARE. I look forward to hearing from you! Enjoy!
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