We've all heard the quote by Anais Nin, "We don't see things as they are. We see them as WE are." But do you ever really just pause and take some time to think about the things in your life that you are viewing solely from your own perspective? Maybe it's that person at work that's a know-it-all or crazy competitive and you cannot stand him/her. Maybe it's that teacher at school that just seems to take it waaaay too hard on your child. Maybe it's that neighbor that you swear gives you the side eye every time they see you. Shoot, Maybe it's someone even closer than that. Maybe it's your husband who doesn't seem to ever appreciate anything you do.
I try to live my entire life reminding myself that I'm walking around inside my own reality that has been shaped by the experiences I've had and the lesssons I've chosen to learn from the challenges I've faced. My perspective is mine and mine alone. Shortly before being disgnosed with autoimmune arthritis, and getting on medication, I was in such pain- gosh it's hard to even describe it. At the grocery store, I would lean into my cart to take the weight off my knees and every single thing I lifted to place on the conveyer belt was painful. I was exhausted and sad. I was in such a bad place. I vividly remember the baggers at the store bagging up my items, telling me to "have a nice day" and looking the other way. Not thinking for a single second to offer to help me to the car (at Publix they usually offer for every customer). I felt defeated. I felt mad. I wanted to scream at that poor teenager and say something like, "I might look like a normal, healthy 35 year-old, but I can barely walk right now. I'm in so much pain from walking through this store that the idea of loading these groceries into my car actually makes tears stream down my face. I didn't go back for milk. Which we need, and I forgot, because I'm too exhausted and in too much pain to do it. Just because I look young and healthy to you- doesn't mean I am. My body is waging war against me and I need all the help I can get." Oh, I had so many things I wanted to say... But even in my anger and pain, I just pushed through. I said thank you and I pushed on. But I wasn't done being mad. I was mad all the way home. I had tears streaming down my face. I walked into the house and collapsed into my bed to fall asleep while my husband helped unload the groceries. When I woke up, I was still mad. But now I had the energy to tell my husband about it. Now he was mad too. He suggested that we notify Publix so that this kind of thing doesn't happen to other people like me. The thing is... there aren't a lot of people like me. I had a specific, invisible disease that nobody could see and I was still getting my diagnosis. I was going through something nobody could see. I was definitely the exception to the rule. I was not the rule. And this teenager had no idea. I wasn't elderly, pregnant, obviously disabled, or even limping... From his perspective I was in no need of additional help out to my car on a busy Sunday when the store was short staffed and there were many others requiring obvious assistance. I thought a lot about it and I reminded myself that even those closest to me had no idea how much pain I endured. How on earth could that kid have known better? I've talked myself off of many ledges because of this quote that I hold so close to my heart. I've been so naively asked why I "chose" to formula feed my babies as well as how my births had gone with my two daughters. I feel mad right away. Then I feel somehow embarrassed that I couldn't breastfeed or give birth and I'm angry that they have "made" me feel this way because of their insensitive comment. How dare they assume that I'm just like every other damn mother?! But then I get in my car and remind myself that they see me through their eyes. They see me through their perspectives. Their life experiences. I choose to get over it because they haven't walked in my shoes and I haven't walked in theirs. I try my best to make a habit of seeing all people in this way. When someone seems to see a situation entirely different from the cold, hard reality of it, I try to consider why that might be. If someone is sensitive about a topic or overly defensive, I realize they may have a prior experience that I know nothing about. If they seem posessive or overbearing I realize that there might be abandonment issues in their past that I know nothing about. Even the most difficult people have a story to tell- but you might not ever hear it. I guess my point is- you will be the angry one, the offended one- at some point in your life. You will also be the offender- hopefully unintentionally. My hope for you, and for all of us, is that we can do our best to be softer. To be gentler and kinder to others and to ourselves. I hope we can do our best to give others the benfit of the doubt. That we assume they meant well. That we are quick to forgive the offenders- even when they are not sorry and that we always remember that noone can "make" us feel anything- we get to choose. So next time you feel offended or wrongly judged- before you judge back- remember that "We don't see things as they are. We see things as WE are." - Anais Nin.
1 Comment
Kay Giardini
2/24/2022 08:09:11 pm
So very true. Great words for all of us to consider. It is so true that we just see things from our perspective. We need to be more cognizant of what we say and how we respond to others and we need to think about what is fueling our reactions to others. I too suffer everyday with pain and emotional, mental illness . My family and friends do not understand, they just look at what they can see in front of them and not what is really going on. The days are very hard, the burdens are hard to hide from others, the struggle to meet others expectations are real. Life is a long, long road and we need to strive to make each day a little better for at least one person even it is just a simple hello or small act of kindness. I find that when I see my actions bring joy to others I receive joy in return. Please don't tell others not to help you, not to give to you. Just accept their gifts, kindness and God's love that is flowing out to you through them God cannot be here in the physical but he manifests himself through all of us and the way we live our lives.
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