I haven't written in a while because I've been physically and emotionally "busy." Obviously I've started my new job and I'm truly loving it. At first I was overwhelmed, but now my heart is all in. I can say that I. love. it. That part has kept me quite busy. In a good way.
However, we've also been quite busy working on a surrogacy. Now calm down. Unfortunately, I don't have any impending pregnancy news to share with you. However, that doesn't mean that I don't have any good news to share.
It's been a really long journey. We began all of this back in 2011 and did not have our daughter until 2014. We know that patience is a virtue here. However, after two failed ivf cycles, we were once again advised to go the surrogacy route (technically the gestational carrier route because it's 100% our ingredients).
We spoke with adoption agencies as well as surrogacy agencies and settled on going the surrogacy route. We had no idea what to expect as far as a "match" might go, but we hoped and prayed for the best. We signed with the agency in February and were not matched until June. We had an initial phone conference with her as well as got to meet her and her husband in person shortly thereafter.
We were completely stunned by the instant connection that we had and the incredible kindness and character shown by our match. She was absolutely, 100%, one of a kind. The kind of person you meet once and would trust with your life. No, I'm serious. Just a good, good, genuine person through and through.
The process from there is quite long and lots of red tape. Hoops too. Lots of hoops. There is an initial consult with my specialist and a medical evaluation, lots of blood tests, a four-part psych eval screening, a sixty-page legal contract, and lots of medications. After months of red tape, we finally reached transfer day early this month.
We were all so excited! It felt like a dream come true and I just wanted to kiss and hug our GC, but she had to settle for a small gift that I left on the table in my kitchen as I literally ran out the door to meet her for the transfer. And get this, she brought me a little gift! That is the kind of person she is.
I prepared her after the transfer for possible bad news. I reminded her that we have been through this many times, and we are used to the unsuccessful outcomes. Although it is much more likely that it would be successful with a GC (Gestational carrier), there are no guarantees. Well, no guarantees ever in life anyways right?
Then we waited. We waited and we prayed. And a few days before the blood test, we took a home pregnancy test. The whole drive over there my heart pounded. I knew it could be the best news of my life or just another let down.
Unfortunately, it was negative. But perhaps it was still early... We tested again 48 hours before the blood test and once more it was negative. At that point I knew it had not been successful. It hurt and when I heard my doctors voice on the other end of the phone (the nurse calls if it's positive, doctor calls if it's negative), I winced.
I cried a bit. Mostly because we have just worked so hard to get here and so many people have come together to help us. An angel on this earth was acting as our GC and still somehow it just didn't work. I know I should blindly trust in God's plan, but sometimes, I just want to throw back that damn curtain and be like, "Just tell me the plan!!! I need to know the plan!!!"
I get mad sometimes because it feels so unfair. The first few days as it was sinking in I wallowed in my despair. I worried about my GC because I know she was disappointed. I was sad for my husband because he is just so tired of this never-ending journey- as am I. I felt bad that we had borrowed so much money. And that we'd literally chased our dreams to the end of the earth... I made an appointment with my talk therapist. If you don't have one by now, you need to invest in a good one y'all.
We both agreed that it was time for me to be done leading my infertility support group for women. Nobody needs a bitter woman to be their "support" group leader and since I said the word "bullshit" at least 20 times during my session, I think we were both convinced I was in a very "negative" spot. The members of my support group would likely leave feeling worse than they did when they arrived! So... I almost quit. And then I made the call to our fertility specialist to schedule our follow up consult
The secretary answered and knew me by name (she deals with literally thousands of patients mind you). And she said, "Sarah, I just want to tell you that I've learned two things in this business. 1) Infertility only happens to the very kindest people in the world. And 2) God has the ultimate plan." She told me she'd love to go to dinner with me some time because she'd been so inspired by my kindness and my optimism throughout my journey. She even said that I actually inspired her!
I could not believe she'd even taken notice as to who I was, not to mention was inspired by me. I could not believe that I had the great blessing of crossing paths with someone as kind as she, and as incredible as my GC. I'm amazed by my fertility specialist because he came in on his day off to fit me in before our transfer (which he did not have to do- he is one of the best fertility specialists in the nation). And our psychologist (one of only 4 in Georgia that is approved to clear GCs), fit us in after having a flood in her office-she made it work to still meet with us and she told me that, "people will pull strings for us because we are special to everyone we encounter." People literally bent over backwards for us and showed us the most incredible love and kindness. Not to mention my husband, who prayed with me, held me and supported me through every single step.
At that moment I decided, no way am I quitting my support group. I have something to give too and that feels good. I don't want to be bitter. That's a choice I GET to make. I want to recognize the good and the amazing. When the secretary said that "God has the ultimate plan" it just spoke to me. It's not like I'd never thought of that or didn't know it. It's just that I needed to be reminded of it. I needed to look at my miraculous little daughter and just know. Just know that He does have the ultimate plan.
So as far as the future goes. We are not 100% certain. We might be done as far as this journey goes. But, one never knows I guess. One thing I am sure of though, is that there are so many good, goooooood people out there. There are people out there that will literally blow your mind with their kindness. So I choose to focus on that. On the good. On the upside. I choose to trust because there is simply not room in my heart for both faith and fear. And I get to pick. I choose faith this time and I choose it with all my heart.