I haven't had time to write in forever because I now have the busiest toddler and third grader on the planet. My husband is traveling for work most days, so it's just us girls. It is h a r d. I try to juggle all the things. Cooking most nights. Doing homework with the third grader nightly and being present with my toddler that wants allll the mommy attention =) I clean and do laundry around the clock, drive 2 carpools, and try to squeeze in time with my family and friends whenever I have 5 free minutes. I feel stretched. Some days I feel like I just cannot do it all.
So many people know about my infertility journey but many do not know much about my inflammatory arthritis. I have Psoriatic Arthritis ( abbreviated as PsA). It's definitely not your grandmother's "arthritis." Infact while each PsA case is unique, many studies have shown that the pain, fatigue and complications of Psoriatic arthritis tend to be more severe over time than Rhuematoid Arthritis (also a form of inflammatory arthritis). In 2015 I began battling dibilitating swelling and pain in my knee, hands, shoulder, elbow, and foot. I was a stay-at-home mom at that time and I was in such pain, that I was unable to actually fold laundry with my hands, open a can, or even change a diaper. I struggled to stand long enough to cook dinner and even to unbuckle my daughter from her carseat or lift her out of her crib. I cried a lot. Very quietly... to shield my daughter from my struggle and pain. We enrolled her in daycare temporarily while we tried to figure out what was going on with me. After about 8 months and lots of steroids, prayers and going from doctor to doctor , the symptoms completely disappeared. My rhuematologist did not have enough evidence at the time to diagnose me, but he told me that if it is infact Psoriatic Arthristis, it would certainly return. I was so hopeful that it would be gone for good. Unfortunately, in December of 2017 we moved and during the move, my symptoms began to return slowly. First my knee, then my hands and feet again. I knew what was coming. I returned to my rhuematologist and he again ran all the tests, bloodwork, and fluid studies. Finally it was official, I had Psoriatic Arthritis. The diagnosis came with many medication options, Methotrexate (a chemo drug), and then a biologic medication that I inject myself with bi weekly. People that don't know me often see my joyful posts on facebook, out playing with my kids, being a room mom for my child's class, working out, or serving as a president for my neighborhood Women's Club and they think I've got it "all together" or that it must be "easy" for me somehow. My medication helps me tremendously, let me be clear- I have a connective tissue disease in which my body attacks and destroys connective tissue- this disease will never go away. I would absolutely be unable to walk without my current medication. However, I suffer every day with fighting the extreme fatigue, eye issues, aching joints after standing more than 20 minutes in one place, foot pain, hand pain, abnormal blood tests for many critical functions in my body (which must be managed and monitored constantly as PsA and many of its medications seriously impact kidney, liver, and heart function) as well as the surgeries (just had an extensive surgery this summer due to my autoimmune involvement in 5 organs- removal of two, treatment of the other 3). Plus the mental gymnastics that comes with feeling like you will never be like "all the other moms." If I were fully healthy I imagine my life would have gone quite differently. I imagine I'd have birthed my own children, breast fed them all, had more than 2 children, still be teaching aerobics classes and middle school math, not be exhausted all the time, and be much more involved in my children's schools than I currently am. However, if you've ever seen my obnoxious facebook posts with sweet moments of my girls and my husband, my dogs, my family and my dear friends, you just might get a glimpse of what lights up my soul, what keeps me going. What makes it all worth it. But, most of all... these things are my whole world. I'm literally smiling as I type this- they are the people and the moments I choose to focus on- I find that being so deeply grateful for these moments and these people in my life completely eclipses any "Why me?" victim mentality. In spite of it all, I believe my life is an incredible a gift and I want to live it in such a way that honors that. My life now is absolutely better than any life I could ever have "imagined" or dreamt up in my wildest dreams. My baby girls are better than any babies I could have birthed. My husband is endlessly compasionate and fiercly protective of us. He loves us and he is my best friend in this life. I am so grateful. I'm thankful for my struggle because it has helped me to become the empathetic and grateful person that I am today. I know without a doubt, it has made me a better human. How could I have gotten so lucky??? So I will continue to do my physical therapy daily for my joint health, I will listen to my body and take care of it so that, Inspite of it all, and whatever life brings in the future, I will enjoy the good stuff and focus on it always. I will never wait for an "easier" day, or a sunnier one, or a day that's less busy, or less complicated. I won't wait until the dust settles or we are in a better place financially or until the kids are older and somehow "easier". I want to remember everyday that all the hard stuff IS my life. But, so is all the great stuff and I don't want to miss a thing. In spite of the setbacks in your life, this holiday season, I hope you too will see and experience the lovliness in life, the blessings, the good, and the "In spite ofs." Your life is happening now and your setbacks are part of your story. They ARE part of your life and they WILL make you better if you don't allow them to make you bitter. There is not a single person out there that has it "all together" they are just out there being grateful and doing their thing in spite of it ALL. I hope you will too.
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AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
February 2022
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