Today, I am writing this post from my dining table and there is a soft whirr coming from a baby rocker that is next to me. There is a tiny little baby girl in there with tufts of dark hair and beautiful blue eyes. She has ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. She smells like warm milk and fresh baked bread. But the most incredible part, is that she is MINE! My eyes widen and I mouth the words as I type them... I wish I could tell you it has all sunken in by now, but I can't.
Infertility is a painful journey and it is a journey that doesn't always have a finish line or a final destination. Sometimes the journey takes you absolutely nowhere. Other times, you arrive at a solution of some kind. It is a constant reminder that we are NOT in control in this life. Growing up, I felt like if I played by the rules, I could control my life...mostly. If I chose the right paths and made the right choices, I could eventually achieve my goals. But infertility is one of those hard, harsh life lessons that some things are just completely out of your control. When bad and unfair things happen to undeserving people we want answers, we want a refund! But, we don't always get what we deserve in this life. And we don't always get what we feel we've earned. Hard lessons to sit with. But true. The secret to all of it is making the very best of how the cookie crumbled if you ask me. It's about figuring out how to keep moving forward when you thought you hit a wall. It's about making a choice to make the best of it, however different it may look. It's about making it count by counting your blessings. It's also about surrendering to the universe. I had hopes and dreams of having a second child after the miraculous birth of our daughter, Charli, carried for us by my sister, but the answer was no. It was no over and over again. We tried ivf with the remaining embryos. We tried with my body yet again and even hired a surrogate through an agency to attempt to carry our remaining frozen embryos for us. None of it worked. We thought we had finally hit the end of our wallet and our rope. We tied a knot in it and just held on honestly. I feel like we swung there for years wondering if the Universe might somehow speak to us. Help us somehow. Guide us. But I also spent my time being thankful for what we already had. We had a miracle once- how could I even dare ask for another? I knew better. But, I could not help but feel that we had more love to offer as parents. And if I've learned anything, it's that hope is what keeps us all going- hold on to hope with both hands. "Once you choose hope- anything's possible." Christopher Reeve. Then one day, we met a new neighbor that after hearing my story, tried to connect me with an aquaintence with an unintended pregnancy. We began down that road and I couldn't believe how "possible" it actually seemed. However, it quickly dissolved. Shortly there after, we recieved an email from another friend telling us about a distant relative with an unintended pregnancy. We also followed this lead until it too dissolved. We were so grateful for these experiences because they reminded us that maybe our journey was not over. Maybe there was a little one out there that was meant to be our child... Maybe we still had good reason to hope. We began looking into foster care, but after the initial orientation session- we selfishly decided that it would be too difficult to love these foster children and then say goodbye when/if they were reunited with their parents (and reunification is the goal of foster care). We have been through so much loss already and the idea did not sit well with either of us. That's when we decided firmly that we were going to begin the adoption process. We were completely lost as to where to even begin. We knew it was going to be incredibly expensive and that there is always a risk of losing all your money and still not having a child. We were scared. We were warned by others with horror stories. My family worried about us getting hurt yet again. Everyone had questions and I didn't have any answers. But, I think we just reached a point where we felt like dreaming and hoping for a miracle to "find" us sometimes just isn't enough. If you have dreams that seem impossible... First you need hope, but then EQUALLY as important, you need to work for it. You need to open all the doors. Every. Last. One. Until you find yours. And you need to risk a little. Sometimes a lot. We started the work and decided we would take the steps. We began to open all the doors. We did it all quietly because we knew better than to invite an audience as we stumbled through the adoption process. Several months into the home study process (to become certified to adopt), covid reared it's ugly head and suddenly we were unable to access the locations for our background checks, finger printing, and even the home tour was on hold. I couldn't believe it all and yet again I wondered if it was all a sign that I should quit. I prayed about it. Thought about it. Then over-thought about it. And finally decided that if I kept going, and in a worldwide pandemic was matched with my child, no doubt it was meant to be. A lot of people asked us if we were requesting a girl or a boy, or if we preferred one race or ethnicity over another. But, the consultant we worked with did not allow us to specify gender. We knew all along that we would not specify race. So when everything was said and done, we specified nothing- and I actually liked it that way because as I have learned, I'm not in control here anyway. I truly gave it to God in the sense that I believed with every fiber of my being that "my child" was out there and I wanted the path cleared for that child to find us. So I kept opening the doors. Several doors slammed shut. But one August day we got a call. A birthmother wanted to talk with me! I could have died right there. My heart was pounding. What do you even say on such a phone call? We ended up talking for 2 hours and it felt like our souls had known one another for a long time. There were really no rules. No playbook. Once she selected us, we had about 5 months to work together as a team to bring this little girl here. We were both on seperate journeys, but needed one another's support. Although we were different people, we were both just two moms when it came right down to it. We were 2 imperfect people, like every single one of us. And we both loved our girl. We both had experienced trauma in our lives and we had a mutual respect for one another and a gentleness for the other's journey. We had laughs. We cried. We cheered eachother on. I asked vulnerable questions about how our baby girl felt in there and what it must be like to give birth. She let me touch her tummy and even sent videos of our girl with the hiccups in her belly. She involved me in every way she could, including demanding that I be allowed in the room during labor (even during covid when they only allowed her to have her boyfriend). Somehow, she made it happen and I got to be there when our girl entered this world. She was superhuman as she gave birth and I was awed by her bravery. I cried when they asked me to cut the cord. Her boyfriend (the birth father) hugged me tightly as we all cried. They laid our girl on her birth mommy's chest and they looked into one another's eyes. I had to catch my breath. I knew they needed this time and I went out into the waiting room to join my husband and tell him everything. I wanted them to have every single moment that they felt they needed with our girl, so I patiently waited until they texted me and asked me to come back and hold her for the first time. I raced back to the room with my arms flung open. I felt almost ashamed of how badly I wanted to hold her. When the nurse put her in my arms...Gosh. It just was like life, in that moment, made sense. Her birth mother volunteered to take that first picture of me and our girl. It was like my heart had waited my whole life for that moment.Like I'd already loved her for a thousand years. We sat together that day on her hospital bed and we talked about her little nose and her lips. We touched her head full of hair and we even Facetimed with my daughter Charli who was so excited that she started crying. Scott and the birthfather went together to pick up lunch for everyone and during that time we continued to talk and take a million pictures. She cried. I cried. But she told me she knew we were the ones (me and Scott). And that was a gift. Over the next 48 hours, we had hospital rooms 2 doors away from one another. Scott finally got to meet and hold our girl! Be still my heart. If you know Scott, you know he melts for babies. He snuggled right in with her. The birth parents visited with our girl and they also let us have time with her to bond. When it was time for discharge from the hospital, we were all exhausted and emotional. We all signed a lot of documents and hugged more. The following day, we went to dinner together and all loved on our girl together. We were grateful for one another and gentle with eachother as we said our goodbyes. Our girl's birth parents did the hardest thing. They are heroes in the truest sense of the word. They are brave beyond words. They have touched so many lives with their precious gift of our girl. This post has taken me weeks to complete. Mostly because I keep getting interrupted by my girls or just life. But I'm not mad about it. I know these are truly "The Good Ole Days." Right now- these moments- yes even during a pandemic. These moments are fleeting. I will turn 39 this year and I wonder where the time went... When did I become a grown person? I wish sometimes that I looked younger or had better knees. I wish I didn't snack so much and wear stretchy pants every day. I wish I had bushier eyebrows and fewer gray hairs. But the truth is, I'm really happy and I'm blessed as hell. I'm grateful for my 39 years. I'm grateful for my amazing girlfriend tribe, my family, my TWO babies... I know life will never be perfect or look perfect becuase there is no such thing. Happy is right in front of you. Happy is right where you are. Happy is inside you. Happy is not the life you "had formally planned" for yourself or a new house or fancy car. It's soaking up every blessing, moment, and opportunity you've been given. It's trying your hardest and doing your best every day. It's cherishing those relationships that you can't put a price on. Happiness is a form of courage because it takes courage to be happy when life gets hard. Without some hope and courage, it's impossible to find your happy. I hope you're courageous and happy. Enjoy these precious, unforgettable moments.
8 Comments
Angela Buckner
3/19/2021 11:09:33 am
I love you, Sarah! You are the best soul I’ve known in a very long time! Adoption is beautiful, and thankfully, your baby girl’s birth parents understand this. Adoption is the noblest act of love! Give Scott my love and hug those girls for me! Hopefully, we will cross paths again, sooner than later! Buckner
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Julie Anderson
3/19/2021 12:42:30 pm
This is the best post I've ever read in my life!!
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Danna Tresser
3/19/2021 02:40:16 pm
Absolutely beautiful! I'm so happy for you guys! We talked about infertility and how hard it is and I know how much you wanted another baby! There's a reason why they birth parents chose you! Congrats!!
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Julia S
3/20/2021 08:09:04 am
Absolutely beautifully written. You are such an inspiration! So happy for y’all!
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Erin Carrasquillo
3/20/2021 08:20:07 am
Tears of joy! I'm so happy for you guys. Your story gives me hope for my own wishes. I can't think of a more deserving family. I can't wait to meet her. Hugs!
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Taina Honey
3/20/2021 10:48:52 am
I LOVE this post!! Soak it all up girl! I have soo enjoyed watching you grow in tenacity and faith in your much deserved happiness! You are a special human who deserves all the joy...
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Knoxie Roche
3/20/2021 05:07:06 pm
Sarah, you are amazing and I am in such awe of you and Scott. What a beautiful tribute to the birth parents and your wonderful new family.
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Patrick Taylor
3/23/2021 09:48:34 am
Sarah,
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