This is kind of an ironic day because for the first time in my life, I'm seeing really clearly.. Literally. As in, I just had Lasik surgery on my eyes on Friday and my eyesight is damn near perfect at this moment. The ironic part is that my life, has just been all shaken up. Things are a bit blurry there.
Have you ever seen those "dead end" signs on the streets that have culdesacs? Well, I guess you could say I've hit one of those. Today. We got the news that our very very last embryo transfer with our gestational carrier, was unsuccessful. Yes, sad. But, also very final. There's a certain finality to it all when you are literally out of frozen embryos and have no plans to do another retrieval. But like a culdesac- often referred to as a "dead end"... I somehow view it as just a giant circle that is turning me around and re-routing me, if you will. Yes, we are done with our embies. I'm done there. Stick. a fork. in. it. Done. But we still have a lot of love to give and I'm not quite done there.
I'm not sure exactly where that takes us... But I know there is a plan. You can scoff at that, or say, "well, thank goodness she believes in some kind of hocus pocus.." But, it is all just simply- im-possible... to say there is no Grace... no Plan... my daughter is literally, the light of my life. She arrived here against ALL. all odds. ALL. ODDS. Today, when I took her to a swim lesson and did my best not to cry in front of her... I was reminded.. My God told me. Fear Not.
She could not wait to jump into that pool and show me her newest tricks. There was not one second that I thought- truly this is all shit. It's a total shot in the dark. This child. This child is mine. And she is ALL of ours. Let her represent hope when life throws you a curve ball. When life shows you who's boss. When God says no. When His answer is nope, never. When you reach your, "Dead End." See this. Look here.. Just LOok. At this...
Anyway, the trick is to enjoy life during the in-between. Really live. Really love. Really enjoy life. Even when you're in a season of waiting. Even when you're frustrated. Heartbroken. Disappointed. Lonely.... Desperate. Give thanks for your health. Your sunshine. And this baby girl in goggles, because there is always Grace if you choose to see it. Clearly. You don't even need lasik. You just need to look with your heart.
So, go ahead and hit your culdesac, but look with your heart. It doesn't have to be a "dead end," that part is up to you.