I know I've been missing in action for a while now, but I've been working summer camp at the local preschool and getting my classroom ready for my upcoming class of pre-k kiddies starting in September. The good news is that I FINALLY got a new computer and it is incredible you guys- seriously magical.
I'm writing today because I'm thinking of all the kids and teachers going back to school. I'm thinking about how I never slept the night before the first day because I was excited and nervous. I wanted to make a great impression on my 125 new middle schoolers as well as my bosses, coworkers, and the parents. I would spend late nights crossing my t's and dotting my i's to make sure everything ran smoothly- especially on that first day. I'm not sure why I was always so nervous about the first day, but it's funny because the very minute my classes would take their seats and I'd finish riffling through my attendance folder and stumbling through the pronunciation of each new name, I'd look up... right at them. Sitting there in those desks. And in that very moment, my nerves went away. They went away because I'd see the fear and anxiety in my students eyes. They were in their "coolest" outfit surrounded by shiny new school supplies, and looked like they might... puke. They had fought with lockers, some for the first time, and they likely wanted to burst out into tears right there. And here I was. The math teacher! Likely their most dreaded class and I knew it. And in that moment every single year, I would want to just go down the row and hug them all one by one. I knew I had a million things to go over with them, but my rehearsed speech went right out the window and I'd begin my first of many pep-talk soap box speeches. I'd tell them it's going to be ok and we are going to survive this day- and this year. We don't have to be afraid. We can do this thing together. No matter how bad that first day of middle school had gone thus far for them, I wanted my classroom to be a bright spot. I wanted it to be a place of warmth and solace in this crazy new middle school world. I knew the truth was that my students would never care what I knew until they knew that I cared. I guess the point of this entry is really just to say that every one of us is afraid sometimes of that "big thing." Whatever that thing is in your life that keeps you up at night. Sometimes perspective helps you realize you're really not all alone and everyone else is busy facing their own fears. Sometimes you think yours is so. much. bigger. SO. much. scarier. But, it's really all so relative. The first day of middle school can be just as scary for that little eleven-year-old as whatever big scary fear you are about to face (and conquer). Sometimes we are forced to face these scary things, but other times we choose to. Either way, I think it helps to know that we're not alone. So get out there and face your fears people, do it like a boss and then pat yourself on the back for it, even if it goes poorly. Celebrate your efforts and those fears you faced. Those steps you took without knowing exactly where you might end up. Pat others on their backs too because nobody's got this life thing all figured out. And let's be honest, we all need a hug now and then.
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When you see this picture, what comes to mind? Happy couple? Cute dog? Probably not infertility. But in fact this picture was taken circa 2011, right in the midst of our struggle to conceive. We had been married for three years and the questions were starting to come like rapid fire from every direction. "When are you guys going to have kids?" "You guys want kids, right?" "What are you waiting for?" I had a well-practiced answer for each of these questions, but every time it was like a knife. A knife I saw coming a mile away. Nobody knew that we were trying and had been trying for more than a year at that point. I was already scheduled for a laparoscopy to confirm, diagnose, and remove suspected endometriosis. It felt like infertility was starting to take over our lives. It began to affect every aspect of our lives and honestly, the hardest part was keeping the "secret" and hiding our pain from friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and family. Fast forward to June, 2013 when my sister (and hero) was 3 months pregnant with our child... Only then did we finally realize that it was time to face the music. We had to open up about our struggle because there was no explaining away the fact that my sister was pregnant with our baby. I dreaded it and agonized over it. It was the most vulnerable I've ever felt in my life, especially because it was my "fault." I was the problem. My body simply could not carry a child. I felt...somehow inferior. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Like less of a woman. I dreaded telling my husband's parents because I actually thought they would feel sorry for their son for ending up with such a defective woman. I cried so many tears y'all, I could have cried Justin Timberlake his river. I focused on the good, which was the fact that our child was in fact on her way and healthy- FINALLY. But still, I considered deleting my Facebook and Instagram account, changing my name (kidding). I would have preferred anything to "going public." But then it kind of hit me. 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility and why not be a voice? Why not be a face? Why not let one more couple know they are not alone-like we felt for years? Why did I care so much what others thought of me? The bottom line was that if I could help even one person. One couple. To navigate through the mess of infertility, I could honestly say, it would be worth it. At this time, one of my most favorite quotes was this one. So, I let go and I let it fly. At first, I was so timid. I gave very little information and I prepared for backlash and strong opinions from uniformed naysayers that have never walked a mile. But, I was ready for that and I decided that I would just do my best to not surround myself with people like that. This is my life and I'm the one who has to live with it. Much to my surprise, people were loving, accepting, kind, and supportive of our journey. They embraced us with open arms and while sometimes they asked funny questions or were curious about specifics, it never bothered us. We were just so thrilled to be accepted. It was honestly like a ton of bricks had been taken off my back. I wished I hadn't waited so long to finally open up. Of course, not everyone was 100% supportive of our choices. I did have a few people question our choice and suggest that we should have adopted. That it was perhaps a more "moral" way of handling our "situation." But, I tried not to let those judgments eat away at me. I reminded myself that until you walk a mile, you just do not get it. I knew I had to give them a break, but that didn't mean I needed to spend my time with people like that, Suffice it to say, that I never thought I would have a blog and I never ever thought I would be blogging about my infertility. But life is funny sometimes and I would not have it any other way. I have shared my story several times on my blog, but I thought it was important to do it again in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. It's time for couples to #startasking. When 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility, why do most companies not offer insurance coverage for treatment? Why does the media still shy away from covering topics dealing with infertility? And why haven't legislators worked to update laws on surrogacy (did you know that in many states, the woman carrying the child is defined as the "mother" by law- so, families working with a surrogate have to have their child declared to be their own before a judge)? It's time to make some changes out there and I'm glad I can be a voice in the silent struggle. Join me and let's #startasking. As for me, the birth of my daughter via gestational carrier was simply the greatest gift I have ever experienced. There are. no. words. None. Our longing to expand our family continues and we recently attempted two more rounds of ivf with me- just to try some new protocols. Unfortunately, neither were successful. IVF and infertility are not pretty and not fun to talk about (warning, images are graphic-taken during a second round of ivf) , but they are real and real people experience this every day. The bottom line is that we have to start somewhere. I didn't want to be a "face" of infertility, But here I am. It's raw and it's real. I'm not ashamed of my journey and I will continue speaking out and speaking up for those whom have not yet found their voice. As always, if you are struggling to conceive please consider joining me on the first Sunday of each month at 5pm for a peer support group at Kingswood United Methodist Church in Dunwoody, GA or join our private Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/1707417859495046/ or website at https://www.facebook.com/infertilityatlanta/
#infertilenotinferior I'm sure you have been wondering... where the heck did Moderation Mama go? Well, life has been super busy and I had some computer/life issues. I'm using a computer that I purchased 8 years ago and suffice it to say, it's been on the fritz- as in, I could not even connect to our new high speed internet because my old junker could not handle it. I wish I could tell you that I'm now typing on a sparkly new laptop, however my thrifty husband was able to rig something up that has me back online-for now. Still on the ole junker. So bear with me.
So what's new with you readers? I have a few updates and random fragments of thoughts to share, so read on. 1. I accepted a new job! I will be a pre-k teacher at a local church preschool starting in August. I'm excited to get to be creative in the classroom again and work with the little ones and I love the flexibility that it brings- I will get off work by 1:30pm every day and can spend the rest of the day with my daughter. Plus, I get a paycheck- Yassssss! And my thrifty husband be like Yas Yasssssss! 2. During and after my most recent two rounds of ivf, I took some time off from my fitness goals. Mostly because I was afraid to "shake" things up, and then later because I was just feeling bummed and preferred ice cream cones to my usual group fitness classes. All those shots, meds, and hormones really mess with your head and waistline. So once I was finally in a place where I was ready to get back to my fitness goals, it was a sobering experience. The scale was not my friend, my skinny jeans were literally biting back, and swimsuit shopping... Well, yikes. But, the good news is that I'm really happy and in a great place. I'm back at the gym and trying some new things. I'm getting stronger and I finally feel dedicated to work towards my fitness goals again. I'm also realistic and my goals are less about being the beach bombshell and more about my health and feeling good in my own skin, holla if you hear me? 3. I'm looking up and looking forward. I'm making an effort every day to be present and to be grateful for my precious gifts. I've had disappointments, but I've learned valuable lessons and I'm thankful for my journey. We don't know what the future holds for our little family, but we have faith and we will continue to take one day at a time because I have no doubt that there is more to this story. Stay tuned. 4. I want to say something about friendships and swimsuits (I told you I had some random thoughts to share). During this phase of life, friendships need to be convenient. I mean that plainly. As a parent of a two-year-old, convenience is up there on the requirement list for friendships. Once you become a parent, you do some life-house keeping. Like sweeping away the noise in your life. Some friendships are healthy and convenient (like neighbors and nearby friends with kids), others just add noise to your already stressful and busy #momlife. For example, you know the friends that are flaky? Like canceling non-stop or the ones that are constant drama? Even the ones that are too needy and want to get together on the daily? It's just too much noise. Momlife is honestly busy enough and crazy enough. Let's be honest, it's definitely loud enough. The last thing you need is friendships that only add to that noise. It's time to focus on friends that are dependable, respectful, and let's be real, convenient. It doesn't mean you can't have friends that live 30 minutes away, but getting together will just likely be less frequent. Fair to say? This was a hard reality to come by for me, but it's been important for me to surround myself with positive friendships that are healthy, easy, and supportive. It doesn't mean you cut people out of your life, but a friendship may need to be re-defined to better fit into your life. I just think this is a natural part of this phase of life. 5. And lastly, swimsuits. I just want to say that how I pick a swimsuit these days has drastically changed since 2001. Well, a lot has changed since then, but mostly, becoming a mom of a two-year old has definitely posed some issues in the swimsuit department. Like the quick dive-in and exit-out of the pool to chase said toddler. Not to mention the lovely way that toddler hoist themselves up using your swimsuit top creating a major wardrobe malfunction for all the neighborhood to see. So, my mind says comfort, durability, coverage, and practicality. And then my heart be like, "oh but that bandeau top is sooooo cute! Plus I'm only 33. And I'm a moderation mama, not a moderation marm." So where is the middle ground? My goal is to try to update weekly- assuming my junk laptop holds up. I have a new banana bread recipe to share- crazy easy, self tanners to test, and an arm challenge to check out! Stay tuned-let's do this! Look up. Every day. Look. up. This post was going to be a Top 5 Products for Your Christmas List, but unfortunately life got a little...busy. Let's just say that between another failed ivf cycle (sigh) and my husband falling down some stairs and tearing his patellae tendon, I didn't have much time to blog. Thankfully, things are starting to settle down now. My husband had a successful tendon reattachment surgery and is now in physical therapy mode. And I'm ready for a glass of wine and a little blogging time. So here it is ladies, better late than never... here are my top 5 most fave products ever. Simply click on the name for purchasing information.You're welcome! 1 Perfect Core leggings or capris from Lucy ($69-$108). These yoga pants are life changing. They wick your sweat away so fast and keep you so dry, that you really can wear them all day, even after sweating in them at the gym. They are high-rise, so you actually look like you have a perfect core (hence the name) when you wear them. And best of all, I feel like they actually are working as hard as I do. I got my first pair when I was having joint issues and they actually supported me through working my way back into my weight lifting class. In fact, I'm wearing my black pair right now as I type this. Order 1 size up as they are very fitted. 2. Sweaty Bands:$15 These bands are truly the only head band that I have found that does not slide off my big head of fine silky hair. This headband is like the eighth wonder of the modern world because it is truly incredible that it stays put. And of course it helps that they come in super cute colors and patterns. Throw one on with that messy bun and look like you've got it all together. Yaaaas. 3. Beautycounter's vibrant eye perfecting cream. I was generously gifted the genetic fate of having, I-look-like-I'm-part-raccoon dark eye circles (thanks Dad). They have been there all my life and I've really tried everything. This cream has not made these circles completely disappear, but it has made a noticeable improvement. They are less dark and more supple. It leaves my skin feeling silky and buttery and you can use it AM and PM so you get more bang for your buck. My makeup goes on smoother and stays on longer with less settling into my fine lines. Plus, the smell is like a very light, fresh, hint of sunshine. the best part, is that everything from Beautycounter is safe and good for your skin, so there are no ingredients or scary chemicals that you can't pronounce. You know you are actually doing something good for your skin when you use it. Although this cream is not cheap at $55, it is worth its weight in gold and considering you only need to use a small amount each day, this jar will last several months. 4. ello glass water bottles (cue Adele) are a great way to finally reach your goal of drinking enough water every day. I am not a gimmicky person and I thought the glass water bottle idea seemed unpractical and frankly stupid...until I tried one and became a full-on believer. The silicone protects your bottle from breakage (and yes I have dropped mine on cement and it has not broken), it is 100% dishwasher safe, does not leak, has a wide mouth for drinking on the go, and my favorite part is how much better the water actually tastes. I even bring my bottle to bed with me at night and when I drink it in the morning, the water doesn't have that stale plastic-y taste that my other bottles' water always had. My sister borrowed mine the other day, and asked if she could keep it she liked it so much. 5. Lularoe's Irma top has elbow length sleeves and a high-low hem that just covers enough booty to leave you feeling super comfortable sporting it with fitted pants/leggings. I love this top because it was only $30 and I can wear it to the park to run after my toddler or with skinny jeans and ankle boots out on a date with the hubbs. It looks really flattering from every angle and washes and dries well. It's perfect for all body types because whether you have thick arms, a little belly jelly, or even some extra junk in the trunk, this top is guaranteed to flatter. I got it in a small because they tend to run a tad large. I usually wear a medium. Pictured below I included my other fave Lularoe top, the Randy. It is super comfy and casual and looks great with a pair of boyfriend jeans or yoga pants. If you try or have tried any of these products I'd love to hear your opinions as well! Please share with us in the comments section below!
In my opinion (which actually counts because I've been there), there are several stages to infertility. I personally have experienced each of these fantastically fun stages and lived to tell (you) about them. I think when you are in the first couple of stages, your head is still spinning and it's incredibly hard to put into words what you are feeling. Thankfully, it does get better. It's a "new normal" and it's guaranteed to be lonely and isolating. Looking back however, I'm not sure I'd change anything as crazy as that may sound. I'm a different person because of what I've been through. I'm better and I'm stronger, so no regrets. I'm not a victim in my own life, I choose to be the heroine and I hope you do too no matter what hurdles you stumble over in your own life. May you clear them and live to tell about them. So, the first stage is PANIC MODE. Panic mode is like this, you have been trying to conceive for 6+ months and you start losing your sh*t because you are wondering if it will everrrr happen. You are on WebMD, Mayo Clinic, and googling all sorts of PANIC MODE sh*t like, "early signs of pregnancy," "best positions for getting pregnant," "am I ovulating," and "tricks for getting pregnant," like all-day-everyday. The second stage is the CALL-THE-DOCTOR stage. Most women seek out help from their OBGYN first and to be honest, those guys don't know a dang thing about it. They try the standard five steps, test the hubby, test your hormone levels, check to see if tubes are clear, prescribe clomid, do IUIs, and if you are real special, you get referred to a specialist, which is incredibly scary in and of itself, but in some ways comforting too because you are finally seeing someone that specializes in what you need. However, during this call-the-doctor stage, you are losing. your. damn. mind. Let's be real here, by this stage, you know something ain't right and your mind is all over the place. This is an awful place to be. You can't help but withdraw from friends with kids, feel less social, avoid baby showers and just want to crawl into a hole. You are exhausted and just going to work is an accomplishment. I can describe this stage in one word. Isolating. The third stage is DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT. This stage is a roller coaster of emotions because there is hope then despair, then hope, and then despair...well, you get the picture. The treatments usually take a toll on your body too, like moodiness, bloating, and exhaustion. It is still incredibly hard to attend baby showers, baptisms, hang out with friends with kids, and even see pregnant women without wanting to snap, "quit showing off." I know, sounds so silly, but I'm just being totally candid here. And finally, the last stage, which is the OUTCOME/AFTERMATH stage. Either your treatments worked and you have a child, or you don't. But either way, as far as I can tell, you are never truly "over" what you went through. It doesn't ever disappear. And it's really really hard to not ask what the h*ll you ever did to deserve everything you had to endure. Some people in this stage, move forward with their lives, be it childless or with their children. They do their best to put their experience behind them and not let it define them. Others will be haunted by it forever. I personally have experienced each stage and I can say that I only became open about my struggle because I had to. Well, I had no choice. My sister was carrying my child. I couldn't exactly explain that one. Ha! I had to come out with it. And when I did, it was the scariest thing I'd ever done in my life. What would people say? What would they think? I just knew everyone would feel sorry for my husband for marrying this women that couldn't carry a child and I hated that thought. I hated to let down my husband's parents. I hated to put my sister through all she endured. It was just pure hell to be real. But, oddly enough... being open about my experiences has been one of the most freeing things I've ever done. I don't feel ashamed or alone anymore. I feel stronger for what I've endured and I'm actually really proud of myself. Funny how strong you can be when you have no other choice. So here are a few things not to say to your friend, acquaintance, or family member experiencing infertility. Hopefully this helps, but remember, no words are perfect words, just do your best to listen and be there. DO NOT SAY:
So the moral of the story is, be patient with your infertile friends and consider which stage they are in. The best you can do is simply be there for them to lean on or vent to and definitely encourage them to go to a support group (best thing I ever did). The bottom line is that infertility is like so. many. other. things. It's a total plot twist in someone's life and it feels devastating and makes you feel like no one out there could possibly relate. In many ways though, we can all relate to that, can't we? So let's hold hands and do this thing together. We've got this.
I recently talked about being brave and it got me thinking... Embracing imperfections takes bravery. We all have them and sometimes I think we just spend way too damn much time trying to hide them. Why can't we just keep it real and not be so worried about being real?
Don't we all know that every image in the magazines, online, and in the movies is totally photo-shopped? Even Instagram just about forces you to pick a filter- I mean, why do we need all these filters? We are all perfectly imperfect and every inch of us should be embraced. I'm thinking life is too damn short to spend one more day caged by your insecurities. Time to thank our bodies for what they do and all the ways that they work for us every day. Think about all the things you've done in this life so far, you couldn't have done any of it without your body. And on that note, let's embrace those things our bodies can't do because we all have those things too. You probably have at least one friend that can hike Mt. Everest with two babies strapped to her, while wearing ten inch heels, and rocking a body-con dress, right? Or the one whose arms are so great she could wear strapless dresses until she's in her 80s! Oh and don't forget the one with that gorgeous, thick long, hair that is perfect when she rolls out of bed? But do not compare yourself to them because guess what?! Even THEY have things they hate about their images. So what's the answer? Plastic surgery??? Maybe for some. And I'm not judging here. But, I am advocating embracing you for you. Imperfections and all. So here goes nothing ladies. I think we need to start a revolution. Are you in?! Suck up those fears and get ready to be brave... I want you to share your most hated perfect imperfections with #perfectimperfectionsnofilter below. Inspire your friends to embrace themselves as they are too and don't compete with anyone else's image. Once you find it in your heart to embrace your every imperfection you won't believe how free you can feel And when you hear about others' most hated perfect imperfections... you will be shocked. Because we all have them. And it's time to let them go. Come on ladies, I want to see you be brave. Join me, and do it here. I dare you Pictured above my, #perfectimperfectionsnofilter... my bumpy arms and my spider veins on the back of my legs, ugh, hide them at all cost.... but feels so great to just post them for everyone to see. Do it! Do it! Do it!!!! You can be amazing As a mom, I want nothing more than to protect my child. She is my little sunshine and it would kill me if anything bad ever happened to her. But I also know that in life, bad things do and will happen. I know that there is no person on this earth that can escape that truth. And when it comes right down to it, I believe that one of the most important things I will ever teach my child is to be brave in this life. I want to prepare my daughter for a life that will not always go her way. A life that is wonderful and harsh all at the same time. I want my daughter to work hard for her achievements and most of all, when the going gets tough, I want to see her be brave.
It's not always easy to be brave. Sometimes life throws us curve balls when we're at bat and we cannot simply duck and accept the strike. We have to face the music, stand in the box, and swing. We can't expect someone to bail us out or fix it. We have to do it for ourselves and we have to take our swings head on. When we look at an issue that seems so complicated or difficult that it could never be handled alone, we want to be saved by someone or something. We look for an easy way out. How can we bypass this? How can this be ignored? Can someone else "fix" this for me? The thing is, that nobody can do that for you. Ultimately, there will always come a point at which no one can save you from what life has thrown your way, and you will either have the balls to face it and persevere... or you will allow it to weaken you, change you, conquer you, and ultimately define you. Bravery is like a muscle and it has to be worked. It has to be strengthened and flexed and it needs to be exercised consistently. When I reflect on the many times in my life that my parents did not "rescue" me and did not "fix" it for me. Those times when I faced the music and exercised my bravery... I remember those moments as some of the proudest times in my life. Two quick stories... After college I had zero dollars in my account yet I would soon begin my first job as a teacher. I knew I'd soon have a paycheck and I wanted to go ahead and get my own apartment. I asked my parents for a small loan. I wanted them to help me with the down payment for an apartment and I told them I'd pay them back. My dad told me frankly that this is the real world. And if you don't have the money to do something, you cannot do it. You have to plan and save and think ahead. He said he could not offer me the funds for the apartment, but he would allow me to stay in my old bedroom at home until I saved enough to do it on my own. Well.... I was pissed. I knew he could afford to help me and I could not believe he wouldn't! I was so embarrassed to tell my coworkers that I was living at home. I dealt with the reality of life and when I finally saved up enough money, my parents helped me move (physically not financially) into my beautiful new apartment.... I had never been prouder of myself. Now, that's not to say my parents never supported me when was down. For example, I will never forget when my boyfriend of 3 years broke my heart in college and my mom drove all the way to Athens to pick me up in the middle of the night because I called her crying. She helped me pack my bag for the weekend and she brought me home and hugged me all weekend! That meant everything to me! So the moral of the story is, I want to see my daughter be brave. I know it's hard and I know I will want to save her at every turn. I'd love to be her umpire and catch every curve ball ever thrown her way, but that's not my job as her mama. That's her job. It doesn't mean I won't support her and love her. It just means, I will have to find a balance between loving her and saving her because in the end, when all is said and done, and I'm no longer here to fix it... Honestly, I want to see her be brave. I just have to vent here for a minute because I've needed to for a long, long time. And how many times can you tell your mom the same story? Sometimes, you just gotta take it to the blog, ya know what I'm saying? Yes, I know the internet is very public and that it's possible that the person I am about to vent about could be reading this... However, I will not be using any names or identifiable information and trrrrrrust me, she would rather poke her eyes out than read anything I had to say, so I'm placing my bets on the idea that she will not be reading this. Like ever. Not in this lifetime. So this person... Ok this woman... is someone that I would certainly not call a friend, and really not even an acquaintance. However, she is someone that I HAVE to see/run into like, allllllllllllll the time for the last year. Ok, I'm not going to say where I run into her, but let's just say it is more than one place and for a lengthy period of time. Sometimes more than once a day!!!!! The problem is that she's mean. Did you just start laughing? I'm being so serious. She is just plain mean to me for no reason. For example, on many occasions I have chirped "Hi! Good to see you!" and "Is this your other son?" "He is so cute!" And "How are you?" To which every. single. question has been answered with silence and on many occasions, an eye roll. Ok, so once I did try to say hi when she was on the phone, but I didn't see the phone, until she pulled back her long hair and pointed at it like, I'm on the damn phone you obnoxious little twit! Oooops. I was very embarrassed about that time. But that was not the first time she has rolled her eyes at me. In fact, I'm not even sure how she manages to walk straight with all that eye rolling she does. But what did I ever do to piss her off you ask? I have no idea. No. I'm serious. We have never talked. I was introduced to her once by an acquaintance and since then seen her one to two times a day. Her kid has played with mine in more than one setting. We always make eye contact and I used to ALWAYS say hello. I mean it is just the nice thing to do isn't it?! And I guess I don't take a hint very quickly because I just kept thinking, well she didn't see me say hi. Or, she was not really rolling her eyes at me. So I just kept saying hi. Every day. Saying hi. And every day. Being rejected. Until one day I just got pissed off. Yes. Because you know what?! Would it kill you to be nice? I know she has friends and I know she is not deaf nor mute. So what the heck?! No seriously. Come on. Is this high school? So that's when I decided that I'm giving this woman wayyyyy too much power. She is actually hurting my feelings and I'm actually wondering to myself what I did to piss her off so much, but since we have never even had a conversation, I just cannot think of anything and I need to stop giving it one more second of my time. Here's the thing. I'm one of those people that seeks approval. I want to be liked. I'm like Switzerland most of the time y'all. Are you nodding right now because you can relate? Or shaking your head vigorously like your neck is about to snap because you could care less what people think (you GO Girl!)? My greatest fear is letting someone down or hurting someone's feeling unintentionally. In some ways, that has served me well. But in other ways, it has made me a door mat for those bossy-biznatches that mistake my kindness for weakness. The hilarious part is, that once I stopped speaking to this woman and even looking in her direction. She actually walked right up to me and complimented me on something I was wearing and asked where I got it. Like whaaaaaat?! I kid you not, I actually checked behind me before responding because I thought she must be talking to someone else. So what's up with that? Are some people just not nice? I mean, doesn't it take more effort to be rude than to just be nice? And why did it somehow attract her to me once I stopped making an effort to acknowledge her? In high school I was bullied, specifically by two girls. They were like this. Mean. But my mom always reminded me to "kill them with kindness" and to never sink to their level because if I did, I'd be just as low as they were. So I didn't. When they got in my face and called me a million names, drove to my house and work to "kick my ass," and even kicked me at my locker, saying "ooops! My mistake!". I always responded with a smile and said, "cute outfit! Hope you have a great day!" It wasn't easy, but I reminded myself every time, that I was not as low as they were and I'd never stoop to that level. I don't know how effective it was in ending the bullying. But, I definitely pissed them off. They wanted me to get mad. But I never engaged in it. It made them furious. About 12 years post high school, one of them actually emailed me. Found me on Facebook and emailed me. She actually apologized. She explained that she was a mother now and had reflected many times on how cruel she's been to me when I'd never done anything to deserve it. It still bothered her that she'd behaved that way. I told her I forgive her. And I do. I mean for gosh sake, it was high school. We were just kids! But, it meant a lot that she remembered and apologized. Looking back, it's hard to know how I feel now about what I'd want my own daughter to do in that situation. On the one hand, I have no regrets. I was never cruel. But on the other hand, I took a lot of abuse and never really stood up for myself... But, maybe I didn't need to. Maybe my kill-em-with-kindness responses actually did that for me...? Anyway, the point of this long and babbling post, is that everyone DOES NOT have to agree with you or LIKE you. If you are confident in your own skin, you don't need others' approval. I'm still working on mastering this. It takes time and effort. But, if you are like me, don't give up. Kindness does not equal weakness and don't become jaded by those who take advantage of your kindness. It will never kill you to be kind. So keep the kindness coming, but don't be bothered by those that don't get it or like it. You don't need their approval. Amen? So, how many of us have a battle going on in our heads all. the. time? Like, "I shouldn't have eaten that!" "Why did I eat that?" "My trunk has wayyyy too much junk lately" " Eww, I can't show these legs in public" "I need to start a diet" "That other mom has had 3+ kids and probably wears a size zero. I hate her." "I need to starve myself and hit the gym for hours tomorrow" "I'm not allowed to eat that"I could go on...but you know already. You've heard those b*tchy little voices inside your own heads I'm sure. Do you ever say these things out loud to yourself? Think them often? Well, your child is picking up on all of your self hatred. He/she can sense that you're not taking pride in yourself. They can tell if you are unhappy with yourself or if you are constantly having negative self-talk. It's teaching them to feel like they too will never be enough and let's be honest, since NOBODY is perfect, they certainly never will be (except in your eyes of course). So it's time to become more mindful of what you're saying AND thinking. Plus, how can you be happy if you have the negative committee meeting in your mind non-stop? Time for the negative committee to get fired stat. Remember, you are enough just as you are, but if you want to improve upon yourself, you have to start by loving the body you are currently in. I know, you might be thinking, impossible! But maybe you can work on changing your own perspective. About 2 months ago, I started having hand pain. It was the craziest thing, my hands just started aching one day. They felt...broken almost. I had trouble opening a can of soda and even folding laundry and it seemed to be getting worse by the day. I had no idea what was going on and went to a hand specialist. He was pretty much dumbfounded as well, but had some concern that I might be getting rhuematoid arthritis. Not what I wanted to hear. My hips started aching next and that ache turned into excruciating pain. I could hardly walk at all. Sitting for long periods was torture, and walking was almost as bad. I was panicking now. Full blown panic mode freak out mania. My general practitioner gave me steroid injections and they helped immensely, but I was nowhere near normal. He referred me to a rhuematologist who did a lot of blood work. He said that I either have RA, or I have a viral arthritis.Only time would tell because RA is persistent and a flare should return if it was RA. Meanwhile, I had trouble with every.single. daily activity. I could hardly change my daughter's diaper or get her meals ready because my hands felt broken. She had to go to daycare full time temporarily. My anxiety was in-tense to say the least. Every day without my daughter was torture and I was so scared about my future. I wondered if I'd ever get better or be normal again. It felt like a cruel joke was being played on me. Over those 2-3 weeks of pain and anxiety, I found a glimpse of this incredible strength and hope and willpower inside of me that I never knew I had. I went to talk therapy and we discussed my fears and I faced them head on. It helped me to remind myself that I was spending most of my time worrying about what might happen if I never recovered, but the truth is, I had no idea what the future held and I was wearing myself out worrying about it. I decided to start taking one day at a time and I put myself first. I decided that if I ever wanted to be the wife, mommy, and person that I had previously been, I had to start taking care of myself. I meditated and said lots of prayers. I took warm baths and iced my joints. I forced myself to stay off Web MD and I fell in love with this song that brought tears to my eyes the first time I heard it. As cheesy as it sounds, it WAS my fight song. It helped me decide that I was not going to be this victim. I was going to be a fighter and a survivor. I started to get better and was finally able to walk to the mailbox, and then a whole block. I attended exercise classes for seniors, and I stretched religiously. I would look in the mirror and tell myself I could do this and that I was going to take back my life. And after about 6 weeks, I did. Completely. I got better. I feel normal again. My rhuematologist believes it was viral, but said he could not promise me it wouldn't return and that if it did, perhaps it is in fact RA. I have been "back to normal" for about 6 weeks now and I could sit around and worry about whether it will return. I could be afraid to get back to my normal gym classes. I could be afraid of what my future holds. But, I'm not. I feel grateful for every single thing that my body can do. I'm even grateful for those really tough days when my toddler throws tantrums and hits and bites me because I'm just so glad to be able to care for her again. My point of telling this entire story is to remind us that sometimes in life, the things we can't change end up changing us. In this case, I realized that it's so important to be grateful for your body's abilities. So important to love and care for your body and your mind. You can overcome huge obstacles with willpower and positive thoughts. I don't pretend to believe that I "cured" my illness with willpower and positive thinking. I just survived my ordeal because of my willpower and positive thoughts. So I challenge you today to write down (or list in your head) five things that your amazing body can do. If you are working towards improving your body, be realistic with yourself and don't demand perfection. Set the example for your children. Love your body, love yourself. Change your thoughts, change your life. This section is very random, but sometimes something pops up that has nothing to do with any of my other topics, so I need a place for some flexibility. I need your feedback here, so please join me! Let’s talk!!!
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AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
February 2022
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